Why do I feel nothing for prolonged amounts of time and then feel crap. Like really shitty. Like, angry, hateful, upset, forgotten… Everything bad I feel. I HATE this yanno. I hate having this hole in my chest that only gets filled with negativity and I HATE IT. I hate that when I do feel happy, hysterical even, its for a small burst of 1minute to 1hour. Like, no more, maybe less.
It makes me want to pull my fucking hair out. Does no one listen? I know me better than a fucking camhs worker or family member knows me. You’re not in my head. You don’t dissociate with me. You don’t suddenly boil with unreasonable anger.
Twice this week (IT’S FUCKING TUESDAY) I’ve had to leave the room at school to calm down. Mental breakdown on an all time high. I run my hand under the hot tap, to feel anything than this … Darkness engulfing my soul.
I feel six with anxiety. Cold with hatred. Alone with depression. Angry. So fucking angry.
NO ONE WILL LISTEN OR BELIEVE ME BECAUSE THEY THINK IM DOING IT FOR ATTENTION. That’s part of the fucking disorder. Questioning myself is part of the disorder. ‘The symptoms of depression and anxiety are too similar to BPD to tell the difference..’ No, you don’t know shit. The amount of effort I’ve gone through to try and see if I have it or not. I swear to fucking god that I would not make up any shit about myself.
Maybe.. Some overlap – the symptoms – but not all. Dissociation, fear of abandonment, second guessing if you really are mentally ill, self harming because you can, small manic bursts, fucking feeling like life is the best thing ever one moment to come crashing down the next and believe death is the only answer to anything. You can’t tell me that’s anxiety and depression with no BPD. You can’t.
Fuck off everyone. Fuck right off. Did I forget splitting? YEAH WELL I SPLIT SO MUCH I HATE IT SO MUCH I HATE IT!!! IM SPLITTING NOW AND I CAN’T CONTROL MYSELF. Its where I change my opinion or view on someone very fast… Why do I change so much? Idk. I get angry quick, I hate people I once worshipped – another symptom… Idolisation of people (my teacher, my friend) and then devaluating them – hating them with all my life.
I want to know what I can do to stop this. It’s not fun and games. Its too real. I can’t deal with it.
Imma go and have a mental breakdown.
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