I am scared

Of myself tbh. I’m so fucking terrified. I don’t know who I will last out at next. Who I will push away. Who I’ll hurt.
I’m lacking any personality to make me A PERSON. People can’t like ‘me’ because ‘I’ don’t exist. I’m a shell that carried disorders and pain. I cause suffering and I hate it.
I’ve no motivation to continue right now.

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Ugh

Why do I feel nothing for prolonged amounts of time and then feel crap. Like really shitty. Like, angry, hateful, upset, forgotten… Everything bad I feel. I HATE this yanno. I hate having this hole in my chest that only gets filled with negativity and I HATE IT. I hate that when I do feel happy, hysterical even, its for a small burst of 1minute to 1hour. Like, no more, maybe less.

It makes me want to pull my fucking hair out. Does no one listen? I know me better than a fucking camhs worker or family member knows me. You’re not in my head. You don’t dissociate with me. You don’t suddenly boil with unreasonable anger.

Twice this week (IT’S FUCKING TUESDAY) I’ve had to leave the room at school to calm down. Mental breakdown on an all time high. I run my hand under the hot tap, to feel anything than this … Darkness engulfing my soul.

I feel six with anxiety. Cold with hatred. Alone with depression. Angry. So fucking angry.

NO ONE WILL LISTEN OR BELIEVE ME BECAUSE THEY THINK IM DOING IT FOR ATTENTION. That’s part of the fucking disorder. Questioning myself is part of the disorder. ‘The symptoms of depression and anxiety are too similar to BPD to tell the difference..’ No, you don’t know shit. The amount of effort I’ve gone through to try and see if I have it or not. I swear to fucking god that I would not make up any shit about myself.

Maybe.. Some overlap – the symptoms – but not all. Dissociation, fear of abandonment, second guessing if you really are mentally ill, self harming because you can, small manic bursts, fucking feeling like life is the best thing ever one moment to come crashing down the next and believe death is the only answer to anything. You can’t tell me that’s anxiety and depression with no BPD. You can’t.

Fuck off everyone. Fuck right off. Did I forget splitting? YEAH WELL I SPLIT SO MUCH I HATE IT SO MUCH I HATE IT!!! IM SPLITTING NOW AND I CAN’T CONTROL MYSELF. Its where I change my opinion or view on someone very fast… Why do I change so much? Idk. I get angry quick, I hate people I once worshipped – another symptom… Idolisation of people (my teacher, my friend) and then devaluating them – hating them with all my life.

I want to know what I can do to stop this. It’s not fun and games. Its too real. I can’t deal with it.

Imma go and have a mental breakdown.

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Another day done

I hate when depression gives you physical slowness as well as mental. Physical pain, physical physical fucking physical symptoms to a fucking mental illness.
Bullfuckingshit!
I hate that I’m aching. That I can’t move much without being in pain. That I can’t breathe without the reminder that anxiety is in my head, tying that noose around my chest, please don’t let it be my neck.
My bones hurt. My muscles hurt. My face hurts. I hurt.
Fucking let the darkness consume me, bitch, it can’t be worse than this.

Why do I want her so bad?
Why am I so lonely?
Why doesn’t this pain end?
I’m too broken to continue…
End this pain.

I’ve learnt that… It does get worse. And this is it. The breakup finally hitting me like a solid brick to the chest. Like a bullet to the stomach and like a slap to the face.
I hate love if this is what it is. If this is how it repays me. If this is how I’ll always feel.
Screw the people who says it gets better, yeah, maybe it does for some, others it keeps getting worse till the day they die (suicide or not).
You know, I want to be one of the lucky few who get better, who gets the help they need. But right now, I’m not, nothing helps and I will not fucking stop going on about this bullshitty world until it does.
Fuck people who think that life will get easier once you open up to someone. Listen, that someone probably doesn’t care, they have their own problems, stop pestering them, live with your problems and deal with them selflessly. (A note to myself here).
Just fucking live with it. One day it will end. Just try, really hard, to not be the reason for that.

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Pain etc and other nicer stuff

You know what?
Trying to stay alive is the hardest thing I’ve done all fucking year. I want to chug a few bottles and eat some pills. Damn I just want to go into an endless slumber in which there’s nothing.
This pain.. This pain is nothing like before. It’s so empty and dull. Like a bullet that has always been stuck in your leg. Yet, when you move sometimes the searing pain reminds you of the wound.
I’m going to get through it though. My friend told me what I meant to her, and that kinda broke my heart in a good way. She mentioned that we chose our family, and if I did anything it would be like losing a sibling, and the pain of one she’s already lost is pain enough. I can’t hurt her.
So, social media is all off, wallowing in my own depression is on. I’m listening to Bring Me The Horizon ‘That’s the spirit’ album to get me through.
Mayday parade – Angels. (I believe this song rings true to my situation, I’m not good with remembering lyrics.)
*nothing can take the pain awayyyyy*
I stupidly cut my arm again, but a lot this time, and so long sleeves this week. *sigh* it was a few days ago, but it is taking too long to heal. It’ll fade with time.
I made up my bed today, it’s so fresh and comfy hehe.
You know what? No, I don’t know either.
*such a bitter irony, like a kick right to the teeth*
Ah, lyrics, the words I could never fathom myself but ring so true to situations I find myself in.

Ayyy guys, I’m basically halfway done with my GCSEs! English all done, just got History, Science and one more maths left. I’m excited to finish school now. I know I’ll miss it, and I’ll hate being home, but this summer should be good.
I don’t want to do NCS, but I’ll give it a try. I’m super looking forward to going to Italy though! Ahhhhhh!! Yaaasss!!! Italy is like my second home. No joke. I would move there if I knew I could speak italian and live decently.

I’ve been really obsessed with AHS recently, Violet and I… Well, we’re good buddies ya see. I’m joking, but seriously, violet is not only an amazing person (Taissa is a great actress) but her fashion!!!!!!!! I’m stealing her style. If anyone now copies me, I will know, because I know no one like her. She’s adorable yet badass. – she dresses in dresses with a dark twist and layers. 👏
I also like her in coven, but I dress all in black most days anyway.
I neeeeeeeeed her hat though, a black bowler hat. Ugh, it’s so nice and goes with everything.  I will invest in one asap.

Okay, rants over, have lovely time whoever you are and wherever you are. You deserve happiness, go and grab it! ❤

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Temporary measures

I want to cut all my veins out
One by one
Tug at them and cut them up
Digging deeper for the artery
Into flesh
Into blood
The red liquid reviving me
I lick my bone dry lips
Wipe my tears
And put the blade to my skin
And tear
Into the porcelain outer of my being
Ink pouring out like red icing
Glazing a slice of cake
I use my arm, my thigh, my stomach
As a canvas for emotions
To pour out
And pain to be felt
The emotions
So physical
I can almost control them
I’m slipping
The pills are waiting
One taste and I’m gone.

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Sick

I feel sick
No, jot from a tummy bug
But from love
From loving someone who doesn’t understand
She has others
And that makes me feel sick

I’m not enough for her
I may never be, I can not deal
I cry because she won’t understand
That I love her and only her
I feel sick

I feel sick
For all the times you cried about not being good enough for someone else
You were always good enough for me
Too good, in fact, I’m jot good enough for you
I am too needy it makes me sick

You may never want to be with me
And that’s understandable
Because I’m a sickening disaster
I have no master
I feel sick.

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Reasons to live

image

I’m sure there’s more than three reasons to live .. But that’s all I’ve got. I’m tired, I’ve slept loads though. Another symptom of depression. 😥

Okay, whatever. I may write something … Ew i sneezed! Maybe a little poetry.

Goodnight

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